i thought i'd update my gloomy homepage, since its summer, and summer equals happy. in any case, he aint worth a single tear.

this is just a little note to wish everybody the best this summer. i hope to get back to normal soon, although i might upload one last sad poem, but then onwards, it is summer!! i shall write about flowers and the sun

innepik

i write here a short real-life story. this is my story.

mike and i never had it easy. during the 1st yr of our relationship, he was still living with his ex. but we got over this.

the second yr, i came to germany and he was in england. this wasnt too bad, although it obviously wasnt optimal. however, when i got back to visit him in february, he told me he was going to france the next week. he had told me he was going to france in the summer, but as far as i know, february is not summer! anyhow, he left, and went to france. we were separated a month and a half. contact was hard, and he never called me. not even once. he said he was busy, and it is true, he was workin 6 days a week, whole day. but still. then there was the fact dat he wouldnt make contact 4 days, and then all hed do was ask me whether i'd cheated. like he was waitin 4 me to make a mistake.

i went 2 see him the 2 first weeks of april, and spent my bday (9th april) and his (15th of april) together. he looked me in the eye when he told me he truly loved me and said how wonderful it would b to live together. and i believed him, like a fool!!

while i was in france, he got a job offer in sardinia, italy. he was gonna go on the 1st of may, but he had a chance of leaving earlier, and he did, even though his parents were gonna come to visit him the next week. they had offered him double the pay in italy. i must have reminded him 50 times to call his parents, and he would always said "yeah, i'll call them" and "i've already sent them an email". i even offered to call them myself (and i should have done too, i feel so guilty). his mum called me crying from france and saying dat mike wasnt answerin his phone and dat they'd told her in france dat he was gone to ireland.

he never contacts anyone, EVER. but once in sardinia, he just stopped takin my calls altogether.

during the past 3 months hes made me feel unwanted, rejected almost. i've been crying mornin afternoon and night, and this just cannot go on. he'll never change, and although i wouldnt have seen this had we been in the same country, hes just screwed everythin up; ignoring me and everything. u just dont do dat, unless u truly hate the person.

finally, on our yr and a 1/2 anniversary (29th april), he sent me 2 txts. one saying "happy anniversary, i love u" and 15 minutes later, a second txt reading "i think we should b friends until we r both back in york, but would u kiss or date? and would u take me back?"

i also REALLY HATE the fact he wants to stay friends, coz i would never have a friend like dat. but u cant b friends with sumone u just never talk to. and personally, i refuse to stay friends with an ex bf. it just doesnt work. its over and done with.

im really quite worried, coz of his lack of contact with everyone and everything. its like hes gone to another country, and therefore 4gets everything he had b4. i mean wot happened with his parents and everything. its just not normal, u know? maybe he needs help, i dont know.

if im really honest with u, im not really sure whether we've broken up. but in my heart, we've been breaking up for 3 months. i wish i could call him and speak to him about it, finally get things clear, but i know he just wont pick up. all i've done is sent him an email saying everything i felt, and a text to let him know i'd sent him an email. i've always said to him dat if i wasnt feeling well about our relationship, that i'd give him a week. and i have.

and its funny, only a week b4 he was telling me he loved me and dat it would b so nice to live together... i even had bought plane tickets to come and see him next week.

thanx 4 reading this, everyone.

i think im being pretty good... i only wrote 2 journal entries in the last half a yr!!

this one is about being very busy. unfortunately, as of late, dat is my answer to everything. "no, sorry, i cant come, im too busy" or the classic "sorry, i have to work".

at the moment, im pretty stressed, but i think sumthing good will come out of all this work, right?? after 2 essays of 4k words each, im feeling pretty drained. words escape me. and i just dont seem to find the answers.

this is a note to myself. i've been feeling left out by my friends, because i can never come out. they say u gotta water ur friendships. but they dont tell u how to keep them watered when u just dont have time.

to all of u clever ones who r thinkin "oh, well, instead of writing this rather moany note u should b out there talkin to ur friends" i snap back at ya! im at uni. running a gel. as u do.

i dont even have phone credit to call or text. i havent been into town 4 about 3 months now. surprisingly, i dont feel depressed. i think i owe dat to my wonderful bf, whos been supporting me throughout. its funny to think how just the one person can quench all ur needs sumhow.

im rather confused, im happy but sad. enthusiastic, but dissapointed. its like my life's split into 2 rather different realms, one being friends, and the other being mike. and on one side its all going well, whilst on the other, its not. its funny, coz im so far away from my bf at the moment, as i am in germany and he in england. and still he doesnt give up. he doesnt leave me. sumtimes im so happy about my relationship, i dont know y im sad.

innepik

im not quite sure how to put this. on suday night, my friend killed herself. she didnt say goodbye. there is nothing that can water this down. the worst thing is, when she needed sumone the most, i have to come and be all the way out here in germany. she was so witty and always smiling. we r all so shocked, this is surreal. we shared laughs. a couple of nights out together. a couple of walks back home. and i thank her so much.
its more than the end of her life, to me, this is the end of a chapter which i will always cherish. i love u, laura... i wish i'd said dat. i wish i'd been there. i wish i'd known. i'll always ask myself why sumone as seemingly happy as u can do such a thing. and i think sumhow, the question will always remain.

innepik

OMGOMGOMG!!!
exams r in a week. im DEAD.

innepik